Ben Folds and Freedom

Out of no where I started listening to Ben Folds Five again this week. It's been ages since I last sat and really listened and I began to remember why I loved them so much way back when. I can't even remember why I stopped listening. 

This past week was exceptionally rough. Monday was fine, Tuesday was ALD teaching 100 plus year 8s how to play ultimate frisbee. They loved it--I was so pleased with the outcome and I think we might be able to get a team together for the spring. ALD means 6 hours straight of teaching and no frees. After, I went for a 5 mile run. Wednesday I, once again, didn't have any frees. 6 hours of straight teaching. I managed to get an entire class set of books marked and reply to all the e-mails I missed during Tuesday's madness. After pulling a 10 hour day I dragged myself back home though managed to catch up with Jason (I'll refer to him as Jay since the name is rather confusing)--at that point it was 11pm and I was exhausted. Thursday hit and by that point I was running on fumes and starting to crack. Year 11s were being complete assess--if they don't realize that their course work is important, at this point, then my case is useless. They are either going to complete it or they're not. Well, after that lesson I felt as though someone had pulled my plus and I lost it. The 'crack' in me began to split in half and I lost it in the staff room during break. Back upstairs after being consoled by two of my amazing colleagues. Year 8s and one of my difficult students really acted up. 3s on his report sent him into a complete hissy fit--another teacher stepped in without my permission--I felt like I was losing control--I just grabbed my books and left for the staff room for my first free in two days. Headphones on. Mark books. Shit I need to prep for year 13 next lesson. Hop on the computer in the office. Jimmy tried to help me (another colleague) but that didn't seem to help. Lesson sorted. Back downstairs to mark books. Head phones on. My head of department yelled my name to get my attention. (My sporatic and short sentences reflect my emotions at this point). Asking me if I was alright and at that point my 'crack' split in two and I lost my bearings. I couldn't help it--it was as if all this pent up stress I had been carrying around for the past how ever many weeks just came pouring out. To be honest it's amazing I lasted this long before this happened. Apparently the rest of the department thought I was taking my transition to a new country, new school, and first year of teaching incredibly well. And to be honest, I was. For some reason, this particular week was just really rough. It had nothing to do with my personal life (a serious change of pace since I got back from the States a month ago--oh hey I was dumped a month ago--where the hell did the time go...?), I think that everything is beginning to pile despite my unyielding effort to get everything accomplished. I need to come to terms with the fact that I cannot expect the following: all of my marking/planning to be caught up on...as a secondary teacher I will always be behind; I cannot expect to get everything perfect this year and even next year. learning this entirely new system will mean I have to start all over again (to some extent); I need to stop being a perfectionist because it's going to drive me nuts (easier said than done). Well, needless to say, after much consoling and a few things fixed, I felt much better (though I still feel like I'm incompetent, to some extent, in many areas of teaching and have SO much to learn). To be honest, without my department, I don't know where I'd be. Friday was a bit better aside from the note from the angry parent asking why his child's book hadn't been marked in weeks and why spellings weren't corrected. To answer this gem of a note: 1. I'm behind in my marking 2. the 'mistakes' you corrected were all notes taken from the board. if your child cannot copy down notes from the board at the age of 13, well I'm sorry, he needs to come and see me. perhaps I should have underlined them, but if I know the student can spell properly, as he does in the rest of his writing, and he's just rushing and not paying attention, well I'm not about to run after him with that. 

That week is done and over with. No need to harp on the past. The only thing I can do is look to next week with high hopes. Today I spent most of my day in the City Centre. Started off with coffee at Waterstones and a bit of reading. I was a bit apprehensive of doing this (out of fear of running into Jason), but I wanted to get a book for Ireland and finish Twlight. I knew I was going to be in the City Centre for the day so I saw no reason for going anywhere else. I'm not about to NOT do certain things just because I want to avoid someone--that's silly and a bit pathetic. I bought a pair of army pants for the tourney up in Sheffield next weekend. They are having a Top Gun theme and I'm going combat for the night ;) Aviators and all--pictures will be hilarious, no doubt. I met up with various people from my department throughout the day. It was quite enjoyable. 

On the topic of Ireland--I'm overly excited for this trip. I've decided to not only finish up the sights in Dublin I want to see (referring to the ones I didn't get to see the first time around), but I'm also looking into Cork or Kerry :) Jay offered to take me around Dublin (and even drive out to Kerry with me), which is incredibly thoughtful. The past few trips I've taken have been on my own--it'll be nice to know I have someone to travel with (though traveling on your own means you're destined to meet new people). 

I'm starting to fall asleep so I'm heading in for the night. 

'Confusing an education with cold stone...'

First, this past week at work flew by ridiculous amounts. Aside from the terrible start to the week, the staff seemed to keep a rather high moral about them. Every day I teach I find new and interesting ways to keep my students engaged and behaving properly. I don't let the small things bother me any more (or at least I try not to). My biggest issue at this point is the fact that my year 13s are making excuses as to why they have come to my class unprepared for the past two lessons (not reading the book, not ordering the book, not doing the homework etc.) I ended up having a lesson with TWO students last week because I had to send out four of them because they came unprepared. Irritating. I told them I'm going to start treating them like college students. If they showed up to a class unprepared at University then they would be sent out (by British standards we would be talking about their seminar--the lectures require no talking and all note taking). Hoping this week proves to be yet another enjoyable one! 

This weekend was really great. The first time since I got back from America where I can say I went the entire weekend without feeling like crap. Friday I began by going for about a 4-5 mile run (I don't know exactly how long but I know it was within that frame of distance) and then took myself out to dinner. Yes, that's right, I took myself out to my favorite Italian restaurant in the City Centre (called ZiZis) and it was fantastic. They always say that going out to dinner on your own gets  you awkward stares from the wait staff and others eating around you. To be honest there were no eyebrows raised, no indiscreet stares, no 'wow I feel bad for that woman eating all on her own' glances. I had my meal in peace, with my newest Richard Dawkins' book, and felt completely at ease. It was actually quite nice that I could eat with others around me and not have to interact with anyone. Anyway, all in all I enjoyed myself. 

Saturday I got up early and headed off to Oxford. What a city--such culture, such beauty, such history! I decided to do a walking tour that lasted for about 2 hours; for 7.50 you couldn't beat that! Our tour guide was beyond knowledgeable, to the point that it seemed as though he had written a history book about Oxford himself (I never got a chance to asking whether or not he had, but I did find out that he went to Oxford at some point for his degree). We got into four of the colleges, and saw a fair amount of the city. Realizing that I was walking the same paths that Chaucer, Locke, Shelly, Elliot, Lawrence, and other true greats of their time, strangely shook me to the core. There's something in the atmosphere of Oxford; it lets you know that everything that has been researched, revealed, written, is still alive and breathing amongst that city. As our tour guide said, 'Oxford is a shirt, a pair of trousers, a pair of shoes. It is a city, a university, a home. Oxford is who you are if you happen to be amongst the lucky to live within its walls.' (Roughly quoted). On a lighter note, I did a bit of shopping and got the cutest dress and jacket at next. All of the pictures, including what the new outfit looks like, are (per usual) up on facebook :) After a long day I headed back to MK for a night out with a few of my friends from work (Those are also up on facebook along with some hilarious videos).

Today was productive as I managed to clean the house (yes...the house and this does include my room surprisingly enough), plan two weeks worth of lessons for year 7, read more of the dead school, speak to my family members, and even update this thing.  I didn't go for a run today (oops) but I'll get that in tomorrow.

Must be off to clean up from dinner and settle down with more reading :)

History in the making...

I know I posted yesterday so I'm going to keep this short. However, I felt that today, marking a huge step forward in American history, should be celebrated and talked about as much as possible. 

240,000 people today will pass through security at the West Front of the Capital. Hundreds of thousands more will pack into The Mall. People have rented out rooms, taken days off from work, closed schools, driven, flown, taken a train, and even walked (if the distance permits), all just to say that they experienced the Inauguration Day on the 20th of January 2009. DC natives--at this point--are probably tearing their hair out from sheer frustration over the amount of tourists that are flooding the streets of DC and have been all week. In a way, I'm sad that I don't have the chance to be one of those hundreds of thousands of people to pack into The Mall. I can only imagine how intense the atmosphere must be, even now at 2 in the morning. 

At 9:45 am, Joseph Biden will be sworn into office, followed by Barak Obama, who will then be sworn in at 11:46am. The VP of the United States was not sworn in at the same time as the President until FDR took to office (he was also the first present to be sworn in on the 20 of January--just some side information for ya'll ;) ). 

At 12:32pm there is a departure ceremony for the outgoing Vice President and President. I might sound off an alarm of some sort-- at 5:32pm (UK time)--signifying Bush and Chenney being out of office. Forever. They, in my opinion, do not deserve a ceremony, but I suppose we cannot go against tradition, now can we? 

At 1:35 there is a luncheon held for the newly elected VP and President. 

And finally, the big bang (at least for the audience), at 2:36, the President and Vice President will begin their parade going down Pennsylvania Ave., followed by floats, citizen groups, military regiments, and marching bands. At this time (which will be 7:36 my UK time) I'll be having people over to my place for some champagne :) It will be a good time and a great start to what, hopefully will be, an uplifting and hopeful next four years.

'Where the hell on earth was I...?'

And breathe. 

I made it through, what seemed like, one of the longest weeks at WH. I'm not entirely sure why, but I know that it felt as though it dragged on forever. I was so eager for the weekend and so resentful for Friday to come. PD during what should be my time off...WAF assembly (which, mind you, turned out great--I'm so proud of my kiddies :) )... tutorials with students and trying to get so much done before I could relax. Needless to say, I made and I can simply relax for a good 24 hours (I know that sounds pretty pathetic, but I have marking I need to do on Sunday--I'm getting use to working 6 days a week). 

I was looking into Adult Education Courses given by Milton Keynes. There's a course called 'Drawing for people who can't'. It sounded really great (especially since I wish I had stuck with art and have lost all drawing abilities)...only problem it's located at Shenley Brook End and well...to be honest...it's a bit too soon. I know there's a slim chance I would run into him every time, or at all for that matter, and regardless of the fact that I told him I want to be friends eventually, just need to take it very slow, it still feels too soon. I'm looking into a Creative Writing course for short stories or perhaps a pottery class. I just need something to bide my time...something to give me an outlet that is more social. Running is a great outlet, don't get me wrong, but it's not very social. I am still looking into joining a running club. We'll see what happens.

I picked up my clarinet last night for the first time in a while. It was great playing again. There's something so relaxing just sitting there, letting your fingers make the music (though I was really struggling last night...). When I was younger I never really appreciated the instrument for what it was. Last night I had a good look at it and saw, for the first time, its true beauty. The silver keys are still cold and clear and the wood is a deep brown, just like the day I got it. I love the smell of the case when I open it; a mix of goose grease, cork, and wood. It's one of those moments that instantaneously sends you back to a memory...last night I found myself sitting in the band room at my old high school. What I wouldn't give to have a second chance to practice harder, become more efficient. If I knew what I know now, I would have pushed myself to practice more, take music more seriously. I would have gone for All County, All Regions, and even All State band. I would have battled harder against the guy who took first chair; I never made it past third. My band director's reason for putting me there was because of how passionate I was when I was playing. The other kid who took fourth was a braniac who ended up going to Carnegie Mellon for University--he knew how to play but was so mechanical about it. Anyway, you can't dwell on the past--I just need to take some lessons and then find a group to play with; I have a feeling lessons won't start for another month or so. Regardless, it's something to look forward to :) 

Anyway, time to get ready to go out. One of the PE techs. is leaving so we're all going out for his last day before he starts his new job at the 'Alkatraz of England' as he put it.

A quick post...

So I'm desperately trying to put off marking for as long as possible. I have two hours left until my laundry is done and I have to head to bed.  A few updates from last Thursday:

1. I've decided to give the half marathon another shot. I'll be running the one at the Open University on the 8 of March. Fingers crossed I make it past 8 miles in my training this time. I have a few people running with me, which means that I have a bit more of a push. I've also looked into joining a running club in the MK area. There's one at the ShenleyBrook Leisure Club, though that's a bit of a treck so I'm trying to find one closer. Not only will it give me more motivation, but I'll hopefully continue with my NY resolution to create more of a social network in my area. On the topic of running, I ran over 4 miles today for the first time in a long time. It felt really good, though I'm a bit worried about my left knee as it's been more of a consistent problem. 

2. I'm slowly starting to feel like myself again after a good week and a half of being in a semi-daze. My mood swings are starting to calm down (though last night was not a very good example of that). I find with each day it gets easier and easier. Coffee with Lindsey this evening helped (as did the running).

3. My teaching...I sometimes forget that was my initial reason for creating this blog. I'm finding that my classroom management skills are becoming stronger and stronger as the days continue. I am less worried about what my students think of me and more concerned about their performances in my classroom. I find I'm accomplishing a lot more with my students and they're beginning to respond differently than they did last term (I mean that in the most positive way possible). My year 13s today really irritated me--only 5 showed up (most were in testing or study leave) and of those five only two had actually started the book I had assigned before Christmas break; the other three hadn't even purchased the book. It frustrates me because A. They're being lazy B. I know that they're incredibly capable C. They're at the age where, if they're in these bad habits now, imagine what it's going to be like in University. 

4. Gulz is coming on the 24 of January :) Excited! 

5. Booked my tickets to Dublin for February. It'll be good to be back. I met an Irish bloke (ironically named Jason) in Italy and we'll probably be meeting up at some point, which will be really nice. It'll be nice to get a tour of the city from someone who actually lives there. 

6. I'm really excited for my Saturday: Run in the morning. WaterStones mid-morning for some coffee and a new book (all of the ones I received as gifts are now stowed away under my bed for a good 6 months or so). Stoney Stratford in the early afternoon to early evening :) Very excited!! 

7. Newest Snow Patrol CD is my newest obsession along with Robert Randolf and the Family Band (thanks Matt lol).

Must be off to mark. 

Take Back The City For Yourself Tonight...

Back from Manchester. What a weekend. Pictures, par usual, are on facebook. 

Overall it was very low key weekend. Just what I needed; Two great friends and plenty to take my mind off of being dumped. Friday was really difficult for some reason and I couldn't quite put my finger on as to why this was the case. I was 2 hours away from Jason, had the entire weekend ahead of me with Jackie and Tony, was in the company of some really neat people, and yet, for some reason, for a good portion of the dinner I felt like I was holding on for dear life; I felt as though, at any moment, I might just burst out crying. I felt so child-like. I don't know why this particular break up is affecting me so much more than past ones. I did, however, manage to pull it together and, with some really helpful words of wisdom (from both Jackie and Tony) really enjoyed myself the latter half of the evening. The rest of the weekend (well Saturday and most of today) really was fantastic. Saw much of Manchester City (well the central part), ate at Wagamama's for the first time (such an experience haha!), and did a bit of therapy shopping. After Tony left, Jackie and I spent the remainder of the evening at her flat. 

I had a really good conversation with her about what had happened and felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I suppose what I didn't realize, initially, was that from an outsiders point of view there was definitely something else going on that did NOT seem right; Jackie saw it. Tony saw it. People I work with saw it. And yet I was too naive, blind-sighted, to realize that things were quite 'off'. I know that's what happens when you're in a relationship with someone; of course YOU know best because you're the one dating the person--you know that person better than your friends--you never see with absolute clarity. To be honest, I don't know what was actually going on with Jason and probably never will. I don't know if he was still getting over Sasha (though he SWORE up and down that he had been over her for ages), if he was still seeing her on and off, if he was starting to see someone else, or if it was just a case of him trying to figure out his own life and right now was not a good time for him to be in a relationship. Whatever the case maybe, it was projected onto me, and I see that quite clearly now. As I said, I will never know what was actually going on and to be quite frank, I don't care. Everyone has issues--I realize that--but what I can't understand is projecting those issues onto someone else. As my Aunt said in her e-mail 'You've dealt with your fair share of bull shit in your life. At least you now know what to look out for in the future'. She's quite right; I will not put up with someone who does not put the same amount of effort into the relationship as I do. And you know what, I'm not afraid to admit that I want someone to run after me when I'm upset, not just walk away/leave me on my own. If I'm standing at my front door with my head against the glass, crying out of sheer frustration, perhaps thats a sign to do a little more than just stop your car and call out 'hey...you okay'? I'm just throwing that out there...

I think this is the last post I'm going to devote to my relationship with Jason. I don't see any point of harping on the past. Sex and the City said that it takes half the time you dated the person to get over them. Truth be told, I don't want to wait two months. I want to be over Jason NOW. I hate wasting energy on people who clearly don't care about me (yes, I said it, he doesn't care about me--now go ahead and call me childish, immature, ridiculous-- I really couldn't care less at this point). 

I started up my new years resolutions: Clarinet lessons are underway (I just need to fill out a form and get a day sorted), I'm starting to become a bit more 'environmentally aware' (for example: turning off my computer when I'm not using it and turning off lights when not in use), I've also started to express my interest in making friends outside of school--I really need to create a strong social network here if I know I'm going to be staying here for more than a year. 

Okay I have a bunch of grading to finish by tomorrow. Once again, this is the last post I'm devoting to being broken up with. I'm looking towards moving on with my life because it's the only think I can do at this point. 

Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.

As one typically does after being broken up with, I'm having one of those cliche 'woe is me' evenings where you drink a lot of wine (regardless of the day of the week) and look through everything your ex significant other gave you while you were together.  

Pathetic. 

I realized tonight, through a series of comments and answers, that I was almost certainly a rebound for the four year relationship he was in prior (I use that term loosely) to me. It would certainly explain for him being so easy going about the break up. Either that or a person can have a change of heart and go from (seemingly) head over heels to a 'no can do attitude' towards a person in a matter of a little under two weeks. Either way I feel foolish, stupid, silly, childish, naive, and gullible all at the same time. 

More wine.

Anyway, I decided to flip through my slightly worn copy of BBCs 'The Nation's Favourite'. Of course my personal favourite poem 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock' is number 26 (out of 100). I, as one would assume, immediately turned to that page, only to find one of my questions (I'm known to write in books...), answered.

"What is 'it'? I still haven't figured this out!"  Was the question/comment I made.

"It's his hesitation..." was the reply, written in thick, chicken scratch handwriting. 

Interesting.

I gave Jason the book back after the first time he broke up with me. (Do I feel a bit foolish for not stopping it there and then? You bet-chya! I am the petulant child who cannot understand the concept of a 'hot hob' and continues to put her hand on there only to find she is burned!) 

He must have answered at some point or another before he gave it back to me. 

His (J. Alfred Prufrock) hesitation. He is hesitant about what others think about him; how they perceive him; whether or not they accept him by his physical appearance, social status and abilities. 

Makes sense.

Well here's the poem. I'm going to continue on with drinking my wine and maybe get a few papers graded. Though I highly doubt that. Evening lost and ruined. 

S’io credesse che mia risposta fosse
A persona che mai tornasse al mondo,
Questa fiamma staria senza piu scosse.
Ma perciocche giammai di questo fondo
Non torno vivo alcun, s’i’odo il vero,
Senza tema d’infamia ti rispondo.


LET us go then, you and I,
When the evening is spread out against the sky
Like a patient etherised upon a table;
Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets,
The muttering retreats 5
Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels
And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells:
Streets that follow like a tedious argument
Of insidious intent
To lead you to an overwhelming question … 10
Oh, do not ask, “What is it?”
Let us go and make our visit.

In the room the women come and go
Talking of Michelangelo.

The yellow fog that rubs its back upon the window-panes, 15
The yellow smoke that rubs its muzzle on the window-panes
Licked its tongue into the corners of the evening,
Lingered upon the pools that stand in drains,
Let fall upon its back the soot that falls from chimneys,
Slipped by the terrace, made a sudden leap, 20
And seeing that it was a soft October night,
Curled once about the house, and fell asleep.

And indeed there will be time
For the yellow smoke that slides along the street,
Rubbing its back upon the window-panes; 25
There will be time, there will be time
To prepare a face to meet the faces that you meet;
There will be time to murder and create,
And time for all the works and days of hands
That lift and drop a question on your plate; 30
Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.

In the room the women come and go 35
Talking of Michelangelo.

And indeed there will be time
To wonder, “Do I dare?” and, “Do I dare?”
Time to turn back and descend the stair,
With a bald spot in the middle of my hair— 40
[They will say: “How his hair is growing thin!”]
My morning coat, my collar mounting firmly to the chin,
My necktie rich and modest, but asserted by a simple pin—
[They will say: “But how his arms and legs are thin!”]
Do I dare 45
Disturb the universe?
In a minute there is time
For decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons, 50
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons;
I know the voices dying with a dying fall
Beneath the music from a farther room.
So how should I presume?

And I have known the eyes already, known them all— 55
The eyes that fix you in a formulated phrase,
And when I am formulated, sprawling on a pin,
When I am pinned and wriggling on the wall,
Then how should I begin
To spit out all the butt-ends of my days and ways? 60
And how should I presume?

And I have known the arms already, known them all—
Arms that are braceleted and white and bare
[But in the lamplight, downed with light brown hair!]
It is perfume from a dress 65
That makes me so digress?
Arms that lie along a table, or wrap about a shawl.
And should I then presume?
And how should I begin?
. . . . .
Shall I say, I have gone at dusk through narrow streets 70
And watched the smoke that rises from the pipes
Of lonely men in shirt-sleeves, leaning out of windows?…

I should have been a pair of ragged claws
Scuttling across the floors of silent seas.
. . . . .
And the afternoon, the evening, sleeps so peacefully! 75
Smoothed by long fingers,
Asleep … tired … or it malingers,
Stretched on the floor, here beside you and me.
Should I, after tea and cakes and ices,
Have the strength to force the moment to its crisis? 80
But though I have wept and fasted, wept and prayed,
Though I have seen my head [grown slightly bald] brought in upon a platter,
I am no prophet—and here’s no great matter;
I have seen the moment of my greatness flicker,
And I have seen the eternal Footman hold my coat, and snicker, 85
And in short, I was afraid.

And would it have been worth it, after all,
After the cups, the marmalade, the tea,
Among the porcelain, among some talk of you and me,
Would it have been worth while, 90
To have bitten off the matter with a smile,
To have squeezed the universe into a ball
To roll it toward some overwhelming question,
To say: “I am Lazarus, come from the dead,
Come back to tell you all, I shall tell you all”— 95
If one, settling a pillow by her head,
Should say: “That is not what I meant at all.
That is not it, at all.”

And would it have been worth it, after all,
Would it have been worth while, 100
After the sunsets and the dooryards and the sprinkled streets,
After the novels, after the teacups, after the skirts that trail along the floor—
And this, and so much more?—
It is impossible to say just what I mean!
But as if a magic lantern threw the nerves in patterns on a screen: 105
Would it have been worth while
If one, settling a pillow or throwing off a shawl,
And turning toward the window, should say:
“That is not it at all,
That is not what I meant, at all.”
. . . . . 110
No! I am not Prince Hamlet, nor was meant to be;
Am an attendant lord, one that will do
To swell a progress, start a scene or two,
Advise the prince; no doubt, an easy tool,
Deferential, glad to be of use, 115
Politic, cautious, and meticulous;
Full of high sentence, but a bit obtuse;
At times, indeed, almost ridiculous—
Almost, at times, the Fool.

I grow old … I grow old … 120
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?
I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.
I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me. 125

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves
Combing the white hair of the waves blown back
When the wind blows the water white and black.

We have lingered in the chambers of the sea
By sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown 130
Till human voices wake us, and we drown.

God Bless You Kurt Vonnegut...

Kurt Vonnegut once wrote:

"What should young people do with their lives today? Many things, obviously. But the most daring thing is to create stable communities in which the terrible disease of loneliness can be cured."

Interesting how he uses the word 'daring' rather than 'impressive' , 'useful', or even 'tedious'. I find it interesting because he's quite right. Trying to 'cure loneliness' is about the most daring thing a person could do when it comes to ones personal life. To put ones heart on the line is quite daunting; for you put yourself at risk for having it broken. When I first read the quote I over looked 'daring' and simply read it as Vonnegut implying that young people SHOULD find the cure for loneliness; adding 'daring' creates a whole new perspective, for me, as to what he was trying to say. My point to this post was, initially, to express how "fed up I was with trying to find the 'cure'" and that "it's not worth being 'daring' if it means becoming emotionally drained...not to mention slightly jaded." But after my walk home from work this evening (at a whopping 7pm...I sure do love 12 hour days...) my thoughts brought me to another conclusion: If we are meant to find this 'cure' then that's wonderful. However, if we're not intended to do so, then so be it. I'd rather be happy knowing that I'm not meant to find 'the one', and just live my life to the fullest, than trying to fight (and becoming miserable in the process) what is not meant to be. I know it sounds cliche; that's what I thought as well, but I think it's the only thing that's going to keep me going (not to mention sane--breaking down at 7am this morning in the staff room [thank God only two of my colleagues were around] is not something I'd like to repeat...ever...) at this point. I did not travel 4000 miles across the ocean to try to make anything work that is not...well meant to be. I made the mistake, for more or less the past 16 weeks, trying to do that. But the point is that I now know that my purpose for being here is the enjoy life, not to muck it up (for a lack of a better term) with something that probably will never happen. Why take the risk if you know that you will not make someone else happy in the way that a relationship should? I think that's what friends and family are for; knowing that you're making someone else happy with the reassurance that they will return the same (minus the sexual aspect of it all...ew...). 

Then again, I there is that chance that I'm simply feeling sorry for myself;that I've just been dumped and will get over it with time. Regardless, venting really helps...

With that ALL said (I just wrote a bloody novel...)I had a wonderful time at home over the past two weeks :) It was great to see everyone, and a bummer not seeing some (sorry guys, I really tried to fit as many people in as possible...summer is my next visit and with much more time :) ). All my picture are up on facebook for your viewing pleasure. New Years could not have gone any better. I got to spend time with one of my closest friends, with some other really awesome individuals, listening to some great music, and drinking copious amounts of alcohol--not to mention I had an excuse to dress up (I never give up the opportunity to do that!).

I'm off to unpack (my suitcase made it to my house--oh yeah, AirCanada LOST one of my suitcases somewhere between Toronto and London...morons...) and relax for the remainder of the evening.