I've been in Mahwah for the past four days now. It's incredible how much can come streaming back in 93 hours; or, in this case, 24. I've been dodging seeing as many people in this town as possible. Luckily, much of my time has been spent with meeting up with family and my three friends whom I actually have left in this area. Needless to say, I've been quite lucky not to run into people I would rather stay far away from; that is, until this evening. Meeting Erin at Bradey's was, undoubtedly, the worst idea for dodging dodgy characters we knew back in high school. Next time I meet up with her, it should be somewhere more desecrate (or at least not in the heart of Ramsey). It's amazing how people can change from high school; some for the worst, some for the best, and some who simply do not change at all. In the case, of most individuals (not all, though most) I ran into this evening, not much has changed. Yet, I find that I am guilty of changing, and perhaps not for the best either. While I have completed a four year degree in English and Secondary Education, live in ENgland full time teaching at an 'outstanding school' (according to OFSTED), have a wonderful boyfriend, and have traveled more than most adults who live in the in the continental USA, I found myself this evening more driven to gloat at any individual who was rude to me during high school; my most insecure and difficult years. I'm not sure if that makes me worse or better than the people I ran into who have not moved out of Mahwah, but it certainly does not impress me. In fact, I'm a bit embarrassed by my behaviour; in reality, I'm not stuck up, nor am I full of myself (see two posts ago regarding my doubt about making it into the Oxford program); however, I find that the town I grew up in, the place that drew out the worst in me almost 7 years ago, brings out a part of me that I, personally, would be repulsed by, if I were to meet me in public. Then again, I wonder whether or not this happens to a lot of people who had a negative experience in their own home town. I wonder if there are still adults, much older than I, who find they fall into the same pattern, not because they are insecure with what they are, but because they know that some people never change and a defense is required to escape embarrassment. And then, perhaps I'm being too judgmental of myself, and there is a chance I was not nearly as bad as I saw myself tonight; we are, after all, our own worst enemy's, at times.
Moving on...
I've written more of my CS Williams story to submit to the Oxford program; I'm hoping that they look at my poetry piece as I feel far more secure about that than I do my prose. Fingers crossed :)
It was so good speaking to you this evening. I know that things went screwy (for the lack of a better term) back in April, but I always enjoy reconnecting with old friends, even if just for a few minutes. I understand what you had to do; in fact, I admire it. I would do the same thing if I were in your position, simply to save what I have. Perhaps, one day, we can resume a friendship. For now, best of luck and happy new year :)
Tomorrow I'm in Maryland until the 1st. If any of you lovely people want to get in contact me my new number is 551 804 8580. I'm a bit tight on a schedule, but please feel free to contact me, even if it's just to chat for a bit :). Seeing everyone is difficult, but I try to make time for as many people as possible.
Night all!
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