Overall it was very low key weekend. Just what I needed; Two great friends and plenty to take my mind off of being dumped. Friday was really difficult for some reason and I couldn't quite put my finger on as to why this was the case. I was 2 hours away from Jason, had the entire weekend ahead of me with Jackie and Tony, was in the company of some really neat people, and yet, for some reason, for a good portion of the dinner I felt like I was holding on for dear life; I felt as though, at any moment, I might just burst out crying. I felt so child-like. I don't know why this particular break up is affecting me so much more than past ones. I did, however, manage to pull it together and, with some really helpful words of wisdom (from both Jackie and Tony) really enjoyed myself the latter half of the evening. The rest of the weekend (well Saturday and most of today) really was fantastic. Saw much of Manchester City (well the central part), ate at Wagamama's for the first time (such an experience haha!), and did a bit of therapy shopping. After Tony left, Jackie and I spent the remainder of the evening at her flat.
I had a really good conversation with her about what had happened and felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. I suppose what I didn't realize, initially, was that from an outsiders point of view there was definitely something else going on that did NOT seem right; Jackie saw it. Tony saw it. People I work with saw it. And yet I was too naive, blind-sighted, to realize that things were quite 'off'. I know that's what happens when you're in a relationship with someone; of course YOU know best because you're the one dating the person--you know that person better than your friends--you never see with absolute clarity. To be honest, I don't know what was actually going on with Jason and probably never will. I don't know if he was still getting over Sasha (though he SWORE up and down that he had been over her for ages), if he was still seeing her on and off, if he was starting to see someone else, or if it was just a case of him trying to figure out his own life and right now was not a good time for him to be in a relationship. Whatever the case maybe, it was projected onto me, and I see that quite clearly now. As I said, I will never know what was actually going on and to be quite frank, I don't care. Everyone has issues--I realize that--but what I can't understand is projecting those issues onto someone else. As my Aunt said in her e-mail 'You've dealt with your fair share of bull shit in your life. At least you now know what to look out for in the future'. She's quite right; I will not put up with someone who does not put the same amount of effort into the relationship as I do. And you know what, I'm not afraid to admit that I want someone to run after me when I'm upset, not just walk away/leave me on my own. If I'm standing at my front door with my head against the glass, crying out of sheer frustration, perhaps thats a sign to do a little more than just stop your car and call out 'hey...you okay'? I'm just throwing that out there...
I think this is the last post I'm going to devote to my relationship with Jason. I don't see any point of harping on the past. Sex and the City said that it takes half the time you dated the person to get over them. Truth be told, I don't want to wait two months. I want to be over Jason NOW. I hate wasting energy on people who clearly don't care about me (yes, I said it, he doesn't care about me--now go ahead and call me childish, immature, ridiculous-- I really couldn't care less at this point).
I started up my new years resolutions: Clarinet lessons are underway (I just need to fill out a form and get a day sorted), I'm starting to become a bit more 'environmentally aware' (for example: turning off my computer when I'm not using it and turning off lights when not in use), I've also started to express my interest in making friends outside of school--I really need to create a strong social network here if I know I'm going to be staying here for more than a year.
Okay I have a bunch of grading to finish by tomorrow. Once again, this is the last post I'm devoting to being broken up with. I'm looking towards moving on with my life because it's the only think I can do at this point.
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