Relaxing on a cold and grey Saturday afternoon...

Saturday afternoon and I'm sitting the Milton Keynes Public Library poking about on the internet. Jason and I headed into the City Centre to mill about the acheological exhibition they have up in the library followed by lunch and coffee at Waterstones. The archeological exhibit they had here displayed artifacts that dated back to the ancient Roman period; found right here in Milton Keynes! Imagine this: Gold coins, pipes, buttons, jewlery and many other items, that date as far back as 300AD!! There's a lot to be seen right here in what seems like a very quaint and simple area. It's mind boggling to say the least.

The weather is cold and grey, but it's warm and inviting in here. There's a talk on Mosaics in the other room (we ended up back here after Waterstones), but I opted out in hopes to update this thing and look up a few pieces of information for graduate school. I still don't know what I'm going to do past this year, but I figured it was a good idea to begin looking up programs just in case I realize I want to stay here. I'm looking into Northhamton, Oxford/Cambrige (I know but my grandparents said go for it anyway), the Open University, Royal Holloway and a few others.

I have five weeks until I'm finished with my first full term of teaching. If I survive through this I have accomplished one hell of a feet. Apparently, the first term is the most difficult, and after Christmas it becomes much easier. Lets hope this is really the case and not just some crazy claim people have come up with. I had my first observation this week. I received a 3, though it was on classroom management and I wasn't expecting much more than that; to be honest I was a bit disappointed, but there's not much I can do except take the constructive critisim and run with it. God I hope I survive the next five weeks; I really hope that I have chosen the right profession. People keep telling me that I'm "brave for going off to another country and starting my first real career as a teacher at the age of 21." To be honest, I think starting a teaching job at the age of 21 is brave in itself. I take my hat off to any of my fellow collegues who have gone into teaching directly after university and are surviving (even if only just). The fact that I am in a different country just shows that I am extremely brave, rather naive and stupid, or very much a masachist (sp?).

November weather sucks...

So this past week was just about as intolerable as ever. Luckily, after being forced to go into work for three hours on Saturday, I was able to get into London, have some time to myself, and spend some much needed time with Bri and Travis--having an old friend from Towson, so close to me, is such a wonderful thing. I truly needed last night, and regardless of the fact that we pretty much were exhausted by 12, seeing an old friend gave me that much needed extra boost.

The terrible weather (SADD), PMS, culture shock, homesickness, as well as some other issues caused me (on Sunday) to seriously question whether or not I should have made the move to England in the first place; no thanks to a few friends, I quickly realized that it's silly to question a life altering decision based off of one horrible week--especially when everything else, up until now, has proven to be incredible. Though the novelty of being in a different country has begun to wear off, I don't think it will ever completely lose its effect. I am an American, always will be an American, and America will continue to be my home, regardless of my current location. I don't know how long my time here will be-- it could be another year, it could end as quickly as the middle of July when school lets out-- I really can't begin to make that decision at the moment. 

Tuesday's election will go down in history; Nationally and World Wide. While many see this election as a breakthrough for the Black community in the US (and I certainly agree, it most definitely is), I see it more as a movement towards what we once were: a strong country, acting as one, defined by our patriotism and our desire to be great. On November 4, 2008 we began our steps, though small, towards once again becoming united as one, rather divided by two. McCain's concession speech proved, once and for, all that we MUST begin to work together if we wish to uphold the reputation America once had. The booing of his supporters did not shed positive light on the Republican Party, but his message certainly made up for it. Obama, whilst I was rather skeptical about voting for him in the beginning (up until about three months ago to be honest), proved that he fully understands the task ahead; his term(s) will not be easy. His speech proved that he understood that this change will not happen over night, just as Bush did not undo all that America had, prior to his presidency, overnight. (In my opinion, along with many others, Obama's speech will go down in history). The next 4-8 years will be grueling, and immediate positive change will not be apparent (this is something that many American's need to come to terms with); however, if Obama can do so much as to pave the way for change and rebuilding of American, in my own personal opinion, he has done his job.

Nel Silenzo...

I arrived home from Italy on Friday relaxed and feeling incredibly at ease. I had ONE day back here feeling completely stress free, and I wake up today, after over half a bottle of wine, Amereto, and various other comfort foods, feeling like shit. I don't think there are words for how angry/upset/frustrated I am at the moment. It's like I've been pushed and pulled by the neck for the past month and a half, repetitively, much like one does to a rubber band, and finally I've been sent flying through the air; I have no clue where I'm going to land. 

I was told last night that I was a cynical person. That hopefully one day I'll find someone who I can open up to. And that I'm really quite immature in some aspects of my personality. 

Ouch.

At this point, I've realized 9 times out of 10 it really is me. That perhaps I am a horrible person, or at least I've been made to feel like one in this particular situation. Obviously there are other people out there, but when those people come into my life I  will probably end up screwing it up, yet again; this will come as no surprise. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I am going to be alone the rest of my life because of who I am as an individual; men don't want to be with a person like me. 

It's amazing how wine and Ameretto mixed together can really take away the pain of the initial blow and send you into that false sense of ease. I just needed that for one more night before I begin clawing my way back down to reality. As most of you know, I'm not a heavy drinker by any means necessary, but I can certainly see why people turn to alcohol if they've given up. Thank God my two (female) roommates were there for moral support. 

My brain right now is on fire--literally and metaphorically speaking--or maybe that's just my pounding headache. Regardless, I am now going into overdrive mode. This is where I busy myself to the point of having no life as a means to forget, for a while, exactly what happened. Typically, my lessons turn out the best during this time, the rate at which I accomplish things is incredible, and my over all persona, on the outside, is beaming; there's nothing worse than someone who wears his or her emotions on their sleeve at work. I think the British call it a "stiff upper lip..."  

Greetings from Italy!

Hi all! Just thought I'd quickly update you on life in Italy.

So far--oh my goodness. That is about all I can say without going on some crazy rant. I have only been here (in Rome that is) for two days and I'm completely in love with this place. It's romantic, beauitful, and lively. I can't type much right now because I'm on a time limit. I am posting my picutres on facebook now for your viewing pleasure ;). Thus far I've seen the Colluseum, The Palentine, Arch di Augustus, The Pantheon at night, The Vatican and a few other things here and there. I am heading to the Jewish museum/synogogue tomorrow. The Vatican (which we saw today) was just simply beautiful. Intricate, sublime, and awe inspiring, it's no wonder people flock there by the thousands for spiritual experience. The Sistine Chapel is just eye popping and jaw dropping; I could not believe my eyes it was simple incredible. I might go back on Wednesday morning to hear the Pope Speak (he does every Wednesday around 11am) just to say that I did.

Must be off. Writing a few postcards and then heading out to dinner with Omar (one of the many interesting international people I've met on this trip).

Too low to find my way, to high to wonder why...

I don't feel like writing in complete sentences for this post so here's a bulleted one:

• 5 days until Italy--the the excitement is overwhelming. :)
• I just spent my entire day marking and doing house work. I am beginning to LOATH sundays no thanks to teaching...
• The British Gas company is a complete waste of my time and effort--day 5 of not having hot water OR heat (bring on the five million layers of clothing--wahoo!).
• I'm going to end up heading to bed at a ridiculously early time this evening. I really am turning into an old lady...
• Halloween this year brings many interesting things: Coming back from my first experience in Italy, finding out once and for all whether or not this is actually going to happen, my first experience of Halloween in a different country (which should be rather interesting). I still have yet to purchase a costume--do I hear a Cat for the umpteenth year in a row...? I thought so.
• Oh here's a goodie--I went to the Globe this weekend! I had a wonderful time (pictures will be up on facebook) seeing the place where Shakespeare thrived. Managed to pick up a few posters for my classroom (and one postcard for my own personal use). And no, you really cannot say Macbeth within the walls of the theatre; not unless you want have someone force you to leave the building, turn around three times, spit on the floor, knock on the door, and then wait to be let in (or so said the tour guide--who happened to be incredibly pretty--and possibly incredibly gay...).

Well that was my quick post for the evening. I'm pretty much planned for the entire week. I have two and a half more classes to grade and then I can finally get my half term break underway...God do I need this...

And I will go down with this ship...

This weekend was probably the worst weekend I've had here in the UK. Friday night was, to put it bluntly, lame. Saturday after running in the morning, I went into school and did marking/prepping for this week for four hours, lunch/walk in the woods with Jason was lovely (only nice thing about the weekend really...) finally getting my card at HSBC, doing a bit of therapy shopping/drinking with Michelle, and then heading to bed at 11pm (what a Saturday night...). Today after running in the morning, I got myself ready and graded/cleaned/planned all day long. I've been so frustrated with this entire situation that I actually cleaned my ENTIRE house with the exception of my housemates rooms. Swept, hoovered, and wiped down every square inch of the main areas (including my room); A good stress relief (as is this post)--at least when I'm stressed I'm productive. Tonight will be spent finishing my marking of one classes exams, a glass of wine and one of my books.

I'm a bit ticked off that I needed to go into work on a Saturday; my father brought it my attention that I actually worked for the past 8 days straight (Sunday-Sunday). *sigh* I suppose in the back of my mind I knew that this was going to be the case during my first year. I hope that, as I become acclimated with teaching, it becomes easier and I can give myself more "me" time. It's terrible that I feel guilty for taking time out of my day today to clean/do laundry/make and eat dinner. It's like I'm student teaching again--at least I'm getting paid for this. 

Reflecting on the year past...

And so, as the weather continues to grow colder, the people Jewish faith quickly approach Yom Kippur, the day of repentance. It seems rather ironic that Yom Kippur falls during the Autumn season. While the Jews wandered in the desert, one can be quite certain that the change of weather was no where near as apparent as it was/is in other areas of the World. Autumn is a time when life begins to end its cycle once more and we once more reflect on our actions over the course of the past year, hoping to be sealed in the "Book of Life" (Note the term 'hoping.' The other option would be less desirable...). 

All of this can really drive one to have a sit and think...

It is incredible how much an individual can change in the course of one single year. That's 12 months. 52 weeks. 365 days. I won't even try to calculate the hours, minutes, and seconds, but you get my point. Looking back to this time last year, I was a completely different person in many aspects of my life. I was beginning my professional year at Towson and still coming out of a rather difficult summer. One may say that my actions could be seen as rather selfish, and to some degree I agree one hundred percent; however, some of it I feel was rather necessary in order to get to where I am now. Some of my experiences during the beginning months scared me, because I saw an entirely new side of myself that I did not like. And yet, from these rather upsetting experiences came great ones--experiences which opened doors for me and helped me to become ad better person as a whole. Through bettering myself,  I was able to act as a better friend, in turn, gaining the most incredible group of friends I have ever had. Period. This process was not easy, and as stated before, it took me to hit just about rock bottom in order to get back up to where I wanted to be, where I am now, and where I hope to stay for quite some time. 

During my time trying to bring myself up to where I am now, for those of you whom I may have neglected, may have not been the nicest to, and/or perhaps all together fell away from, I have this to say: I apologize whole heartedly. My intentions were NEVER to hurt you, and while you may not want to begin speaking with me again, I hope that you can accept my apology; I never meant to hurt you if I managed to do so. 

As I said before, it took many events to drive me to "rock bottom" so to say, but there was one that you may call the straw that broke the camels back. Jeff, I'm sure you never read this, but on the off chance that you do, I apologize. I apologize for letting the differences in our personalities ruin any civility that we may have had between us. I should have been the mature one in the situation to simply LET IT GO; but of course, hind sight is 20/20, and if I knew even remotely CLOSE to what I know now, well lets just say much of what happened never would have. On the same token, what ever you had said/written/done is and has been long forgotten; in light of Yom Kippur it has also been forgiven. 

There were few of you who have hurt me this year, if any, and for that I am truly lucky/blessed. Those of you who know me well know I, for the most part, do not hold grudges, and so if anything happened between us, you were forgiven long ago.  

I hope that everyone who is observing has a meaningful and thoughtful fast. I am off now to get a bit of dinner and then head in for the evening after a very long and tiring day.